Do you ever get the feeling that you're drowning? Lately somedays I feel like I just can't keep my head above water. Some days are better than others but lately, the bad ones have been ganging up on me. I'm SO tired. I feel like I've been treading water for weeks. I'm sure a serious lack of sleep makes it worse. I'll get the occasional 8 hour night where I can rack up 8 hours (not continuous but cummulative) of sleep but the occasional night doesn't do me much good. I'm not sure, at this point, that even a week would suffice.
When Princess Trouble was a baby, it didn't matter if she took a nap at noon, 2, or 4. Now that there are 2 of them, the fact that Little Man rarely sleeps when his big sister sleeps is a serious problem. I have NO time to do much of anything other than care for them and hit the real basics of care for myself. I have to squeeze in time for household chores - laundry, tidying up, cleaning, meals, errands, etc. I do them when Little Man is safely entertained on the floor in the living room under the VERY watchful eye of Princess Trouble (aka Princess Tattletale) or safely contained in his "bouncy bounce" (aka the Exersaucer - one of man's greatest inventions) which means 5 minutes here and 5 minutes there. You'd be amazed at how quickly I can mop a sticky floor! But all of this not only leaves me exhausted, it leaves me ZERO time for myself. And I have come to the realization that I am not one of those people who can do without time for myself. I have friends (whom I admire immensely) who have gone YEARS without taking time for themselves aside from basic hygiene. Not me. Not my style. I have too shallow of a patience pool to be able to do that. I need (and this truly is a need vs. a want) time to myself. And getting away to run errands (i.e. commissary, PX, Target, Lowe's/Home Depot, storage, etc.) doesn't cut it.
The husband tries to help. He really does. But either I'm not communicating what I need or he's not picking up on it all the time because it never seems to be enough. I don't want to complain. I know he's tired when he comes home and his patience wears thin like mine does when the almost-three-year-old is whining because she's hungry/tired/bored/etc. and the baby is screaming because that is what he DOES. But that doesn't help me.
I get so tired sometimes. Especially on days that follow lousy nights (I know, there's a shocker...). On days like today (last night was another up and down every other hour night and a short one at that), I feel like I have 2 elephants - one sitting on my shoulders and one sitting on my chest. Getting out of bed was a Herculean effort. And silly me was ambitious today and took both kids to the commissary as well as to the Thrift Store (got a GREAT deal on an almost new Crock Pot - $15 and it has a TIMER!!!) and then to the Claims Office to file the claim for all of the damage that the movers did to our stuff. Let me tell you, I'm wiped out. I don't know that I have ever been THIS tired. I didn't feel this tired after giving BIRTH - either time.
I'm not looking for solutions. I'm not looking for suggestions. The doctor that I saw gave me Ambien (the sleeping pill). I laughed. Hard. First off, it's not that I CAN"T sleep, it's that I don't have time. Secondly, in order to TAKE Ambien, you have to be in a position to get 8 hours of sleep (preferably continuous). Um, that's not going to happen. Not anytime soon. I don't understand docs sometimes. I don't even know what I NEED (other than a week in Tahiti by myself although I'd really like to take my husband along and actually have a conversation with him that didn't involve the kids). I basically just wanted to gripe and moan. I'm good at it.