7.09.2006

Emotional rollercoaster...not really.

Life has been understandably crazy for the past few months. Between MacGyver being gone for NTC, my trip to SoCal/Washington D.C., MacGyver coming home from NTC and being on leave, long holiday weekends, crazy pre-deployment work schedules, block leave, a move, a birthday party, and my in-laws visiting...yeah, life has been a little crazy.


For a while I seriously thought there was something WRONG with me. MacGyver's deployment will be upon us in a very short while. I should be panicking. I should be having panic attacks. I should feel SOME sort of trepidation/anxiety/dread/etc.


Nope.


How weird would I appear if I actually admitted that a part of me is actually looking forward to this deployment? What kind of a FREAK am I??? Let me explain. The last time MacGyver and I faced a separation of any considerable length, we had been married just a short while. I uprooted from Colorado - my home for 4+ years and the place I desperately long to return to - and moved 1000 miles away to go live with my in-laws and take on the very first job in my chosen career. Just a wee bit stressful. And I didn't handle it well.


At all.


Let's just say I was the poster child for how NOT to act during a separation. That about covers it.


But THIS time, I have the opportunity to do it RIGHT. I have the opportunity to do a hell of a lot better this time around than last time. And I'm ready. When we left Fort Rucker for Fort Campbell 2 years ago, I was not ready. The idea of my husband heading off to a war zone for a year sent me in to horrific panic attacks. The idea of being a single parent to 2 small children for a year was enough to cause me to hyperventillate and lose my mind.


Not anymore.


I am sure that the chaos that has been my life for the past few weeks has been a blessed distraction from the oncoming train that is this deployment. But I have a peace about it all that I did not have even 6 months ago. Yes, I worry. Yes, I dread the goodbyes. Yes, I pray that they all will come home safely. But the overwhelming panic is no longer there. Why? I don't know.


For a good year after we moved here from Fort Campbell, I cursed the Army for uprooting us so quickly from a location that we both liked. But now I see it as a blessing and I realize that *I* was not ready to face the 101st's deployment and that coming here to Hawaii and having that extra year to mentally and emotionally prepare for it has literally saved me.


Now, my tune may change the day after MacGyver gets on the plane. But for now, I'm doing all right. Still seems odd but I'll take it.




Pau.




- hfs

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