9.30.2007

The countdown begins

Or it should. It seems the never-ending deployment is drawing to a close. Many are already back. MacGyver, it seems will be home by Halloween. Hopefully sooner. The countdown should be starting.


And yet, I find myself dragging my feet. Not because I'm not looking forward to having my husband home. It's not that. I am. I dream about it. The kids and I talk about it incessantly. Yet I find that I am unable to allow myself to get excited. And I don't know why.


Part of me - the part that knew that he would be extended before the extension was announced - is a pessimist and worries that there will be some kind of last-minute delay. Part of me is nervous/worried/anxious. I've held it together for fifteen months.


Fifteen months.


I've not fallen apart. I've remained strong. WE have remained strong. I've purchased 2 cars, a refrigerator, and a washing machine. I've been a plumber, a carpenter, an electrician, a psychiatrist, a nurse, short-order cook, CFO, COO...you name it and I've done it. I've done it all.


And now I'm scared to let go. To get excited. To start the countdown. Scared.


Why?? What the hell do I have to be scared about? If anything, I should have been scared for the past 15 months and in some ways I have been. But THIS fear is real. Tangible. In my face. And it's barreling down on me. I don't "do" change well. Can you tell? And everything is going to change. I get that the change will be for good for us, for me.


It's just...scary, you know?




Pau.




- hfs

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