I do not know what my issue is. But my husband informed me that not only was I cranky today (I knew this) but I was also cranky yesterday (this, I did not realize). I do not know why. Actually, I do...I just can't pinpoint which issue it is that is lighting my fire at the moment.
Forgive me while I vent. If you don't want to listen (ok, read) me whine and moan about my pity party then move on.
Still here? Wow. Well, you asked for it.
My plate is full. FULL. And it isn't full because I've sought out things with which to fill it. It's full because things land in my lap because no one else cares to step up to the plate, so to speak. I do not like being "Plan B".
I've had to take on responsibilities that I didn't ask for and have actually tried to avoid but, for one reason or another, no one else steps up so I do. And, before you all tell me NOT to step up, the things I'm volunteering for are programs that I believe are important - they need to exist. But it irritates me that 10% of the people are doing 90% of the work. And I know that's how it "always" is but that's NOT. RIGHT. And it's getting to the point where something is going to have to give. I'm not sure WHAT will have to give, though I have my suspicions.
I came home the other day and had my nice little world of denial shattered. The black boxes are back. You know, those lovely Pelican boxes? The ones that the guys ship all of their professional gear overseas in when deploying?
I now have several of them in my garage. MacGyver called me the other day to ask me if I could pick one up from the hangar for him (it's too big to fit in his car) which effectively shattered my illusion that this deployment wasn't really looming. Damn thing sat back there - following me, in a sense, all week long. I've managed to play the denial game pretty well thus far, even though I'm knee deep in preparations for it (FRG, Crisis Response Team training, etc.). The mind is an incredible thing and has managed to allow me to wallow in denial.
I've moved from denial into "let's hurry up and get this show on the road so we can be done with it as soon as possible" mode. Can't say I'm a fan of this stage. I feel antsy all the time - quite uncomfortable in my own skin. I'm vascillating between frenetic behavior and the overwhelming desire to plop down on the couch with a box of tissues and not get up for a week.
And that's *SO* healthy, isn't it? I'm doing my best to strike a balance but I feel like the pendulum of my life is all over the place. Which, for someone who prefers the status quo and routine, is tough to handle. Combine that with several crappy nights of sleep and you have a mess. Well, *I* have a mess. Is there a key to smoothing things out? One that doesn't involved the use of pharmaceuticals? I don't know. All I do know is that it's wearing on me.
I'm looking forward to this deployment - which I'm sure sounds weird - for a variety of reasons. But I'm finding that, even while looking forward to it, I cannot escape the roller coaster of emotions that are involved in the lead up to it.
Damn. Thought I was going to be able to dodge that bullet.