8.09.2009

Creed of the Warrant Officer

No one gets away with more than me. I am a Warrant Officer - a corrupter of soldiers. As a Warrant Officer, I realize that I am a member of an under-appreciated, much-chastised group of officers known as the ribcage or, perhaps, the colon of the Army. I am proud of my fellow Warrants and especially of myself. I will continue to bitch, whine, and shame until the absolute last second regardless of the mission at hand. I will use my grade and position to avoid responsibility, accountability, and any sense of presence of mind. And, since the female Army officers are dating Air Force pilots because they fly bigger, meaner, faster aircraft, I will use my grade to police up the leftover enlisted female soldiers, although this is fraternization.

Ignorance is my watchword because I compromised my integrity when I went Warrant. My two best excuses will always be on the tip of my tongue: "I didn't know" and "It wasn't me". I will strive to remain invisible and unavailable for PT and formations. 'Never, ever, volunteer for anything' is my rallying cry. I am aware of my role as a Warrant and, if you need me for anything, it will be on an appointment basis only. I know the other Warrants and will refer to them by their first name or, in some cases, a derogatory nickname. I also know the soldiers and their needs come second to my own. On weekends and days off I will consistently drink myself into oblivion and mentor my crew chief while I am at it. I understand that, for a person in my hierarchical position, punishments are going to be few and far between and rewards will always be swift and severe.

NCOs of my unit will need maximum time to accomplish their duties because they will also have to accomplish mine. I will kiss up to the commissioned officers face and bad-mouth them behind their backs, just like everyone else. I will be loyal to those with whom I serve, provided there is something in it for me. I am the last bastion that stands as a wall between me and the Army philosophy of "work harder, not smarter". My voice is a tool and my complaints are a weapon that I wield with unmatched skill and finesse. I will not forget, nor will I allow my comrades to forget, Warrant is the greatest rank in the Army; and rank has its privileges.
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This is the fine print where I deny any truth to this. It was meant as a joke and if you take it seriously...I don't care.

18 comments:

Curtis said...

I can't believe this has escaped any comment. When I read it last night I was moved to comment but I'm navy and our Warrants are not anything at all like Army Warrants.

C'est le guerre.

Homefront Six said...

Hi Curtis ~ I've received comments. Not publicly on this blog but I've received comments.

And yes, you're right...Warrants in the Army (especially aviation which is my husband's branch) are strikingly different than Warrants in the Navy.

Keep in mind, this was intended to be humorous.

Curtis said...

and that's how I read it! My first ship Air Boss had been an Army Warrant flying in Vietnam. When the war ended the Army looked all of those young 18 year old pilots and told them to get lost since they don't have college decrees and were therefore unqualified for retention in the Army. Our Air Boss went to college and then got his shiny wings of Navy Gold. Still flying helicopters.

Anonymous said...

Wow, yeah, there are absolutely NO Warrants in the Army that served in Vietnam or hav received Deer degrees...I meeen Degreas...wait, I mean Digreesse,,, well whatever.

Curtis said...

dude,
community management is a tough line of work. You want to take the young and put their feet on the track that will lead them to success, increased responsibility, and a long term career. You tell them, hey, we no longer require 154,000 flying warrant officers to fly their guts out every day and so you need to consider getting a college degree and a regular army commission or something like that. Clearly the RA officer that so advised my Air Boss was highly regular and came off like a bad Major Burns. Any given moment, at the end of a long track of disillusion or disappointment and it only takes one jackass to snap you out of your rut and get you to move on. The guy I worked with when he was Air Boss was a regular navy LCDR with a solid career in front of him but one who point blank refused to wear any of the medals he earned flying as an army pilot. You might conclude that he hated the army.

BillT said...

Warrant Officers provide continuity and an island of stability in the constant flux and chaos inherent in the quotidian operations which comprise all Army schedules.

In other words, we take care of the truly *essential* work while everybody else is on the parade field for the daily practice for the monthly Change-Of-Command ceremony...

Anonymous said...

Army Warrant Officers are the best helicopter pilots in the world…period!

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, well said. I retired as a W3 in October and yes Army Warrants are indeed the best Aviators. When that is your job 24/7 you become very proficient or fail. Much of this rumorists piece is pretty accurate and yes, during my stint in the Army I couldn't help but think of myself as a highly paid Specialist; that was until I was tagged as S-4 after the enactment of WOPD and WOCC decided to commission us. Don't think for an instant that being a Warrant ensures you never have to do any REAL work:-)

Anonymous said...

I see no humor at all all. Since you have never been a WO and only base some things on what you receive from your spouse, you have no right to write the crap you wrote. How do you know your husband is not the one whining daily because he does not want to work. I work with WO every day and they are some of the best Soldiers I know.

Homefront Six said...

Apparently, the commenter above is lacking a sense of humor and didn't read the fine print. It was my husband (the Warrant Officer) who gave me this piece.

I know how hard he - and his fellow Warrants - work. I watch them sacrifice day in and day out for their country, for the guy beside them in the cockpit, for the crew dogs in the back. Don't you DARE assume I don't understand how hard each and every soldier (and sailor, airman, and Marine...and Coastguardeman if you choose to get persnickety)- regardless of rank - works. It must be exhausting jumping to all of those conclusions.

If you cannot see the humor in this piece, then this blog is not the place for you. Kindly see your way to the door.

Anonymous said...

Understand this is meant as humorous, but I can tell you that I'll take a warrant officer any day over most of the field grade branch officers I know.

Anonymous said...

Most things like this are moderately unfunny at best, but I loved this one. -- a commissioned officer who works with several warrants. (They thought it was pretty funny, too.)

Anonymous said...

WHATEVER... paint a forest and get lost in it.

Anonymous said...

Not all warrant officers in the army are pilots. I thought this was funny.

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know there is not such a thing a Warrant Officer's Creed, it is call a Code. But it is funny nontheless.

Homefront Six said...

Thanks for stopping by! I copied this directly off of the paper that MacGyver brought home and the title was "Creed of the Warrant Officer". Hope you have a great day!

Anonymous said...

As a crew chief, I see this first hand. As a future pilot, I will strive to uphold this fine creed. ;)

But seriously, this is good. Thanks for the laugh!

henry Arroyo said...

Well, I'm a Warrant in the Army...and I do work hard for me my family and my country, That I found this creed funny, yes. But some comments here go to the extreme. Lets keep it funny, no need to be so serious. I didnt get offended, as a matter of fact I will share it.