It's been a month since the "big day" - the day that was supposed to bring answers or at least some kind of direction. Or a hint of direction. Or something. Yet here we sit, in limbo still. Apparently nothing happens quickly in the Army.
You'd think I'd learn these things by now, right? Apparently not.
And I find myself torn, yet again. Torn between the desire for this to continue on as it has been - slow and relatively uneventful - and wanting the Army to just HURRY UP!!!! But I'm leaning toward the slow side of things. I'm not sure that I am ready to find out what the final outcome may be. And I know I'm not ready to say goodbye to this part of my life.
A good friend of mine is in a similar situation - not the legal side of things but the unexpected end of her husband's Army career. In addition to the looming end of this military life that she's known for 13 years, her husband is due to return from deployment shortly. And, as happy as she is to know that she will not have to go through this again (unless he finds a contractor position that takes him overseas...but that would be voluntary), it is bittersweet. We sat, watching fireworks last weekend together on post and she commented that she was going to miss that part of military life - the shared experiences, the community, the camaraderie. MacGyver and I took the kids to go see "Iron Man 2" on post a short while back and I found myself feeling the same way - I am going to MISS this. I am going to miss the National Anthem being played before the movie and the extra courtesies that are extended at a military theatre that you don't always find at a civilian one.
It is a bittersweet time.
A lot of the time, I find myself feeling like I'm on a rollercoaster and I'm at the part where you're climbing the track on your way to the top of the REALLY BIG DROP. You know it's coming. Your body is primed for the event and you're kind of excited, kind of scared...mostly apprehensive. It's a kind of "anticipatory grief". And that's exactly where I'm at (and have probably been for the past 4-6 months of my life). I'm getting closer to being ready to embrace the next stage of our lives (whatever the hell that might be) but I am immensely sad at the prospect of having to see this stage end.
I'm tired of saying "we'll see". I'm tired of adding the caveat "if we're here in _______" when committing to something. I'm tired of sending out my husband's resume, knowing that he can't really be offered or accept a job until the Army decides what they are going to do. I'm tired of not being able to talk about all of this properly and, instead, having to resort to being vague.
Patience has never been my strong point.
But seriously? Seriously.