It's been a month since the "big day" - the day that was supposed to bring answers or at least some kind of direction. Or a hint of direction. Or something. Yet here we sit, in limbo still. Apparently nothing happens quickly in the Army.

You'd think I'd learn these things by now, right? Apparently not.

And I find myself torn, yet again. Torn between the desire for this to continue on as it has been - slow and relatively uneventful - and wanting the Army to just HURRY UP!!!! But I'm leaning toward the slow side of things. I'm not sure that I am ready to find out what the final outcome may be. And I know I'm not ready to say goodbye to this part of my life.

A good friend of mine is in a similar situation - not the legal side of things but the unexpected end of her husband's Army career. In addition to the looming end of this military life that she's known for 13 years, her husband is due to return from deployment shortly. And, as happy as she is to know that she will not have to go through this again (unless he finds a contractor position that takes him overseas...but that would be voluntary), it is bittersweet. We sat, watching fireworks last weekend together on post and she commented that she was going to miss that part of military life - the shared experiences, the community, the camaraderie. MacGyver and I took the kids to go see "Iron Man 2" on post a short while back and I found myself feeling the same way - I am going to MISS this. I am going to miss the National Anthem being played before the movie and the extra courtesies that are extended at a military theatre that you don't always find at a civilian one.

It is a bittersweet time.

A lot of the time, I find myself feeling like I'm on a rollercoaster and I'm at the part where you're climbing the track on your way to the top of the REALLY BIG DROP. You know it's coming. Your body is primed for the event and you're kind of excited, kind of scared...mostly apprehensive. It's a kind of "anticipatory grief". And that's exactly where I'm at (and have probably been for the past 4-6 months of my life). I'm getting closer to being ready to embrace the next stage of our lives (whatever the hell that might be) but I am immensely sad at the prospect of having to see this stage end.

I'm tired of saying "we'll see". I'm tired of adding the caveat "if we're here in _______" when committing to something. I'm tired of sending out my husband's resume, knowing that he can't really be offered or accept a job until the Army decides what they are going to do. I'm tired of not being able to talk about all of this properly and, instead, having to resort to being vague.

Patience has never been my strong point.

But seriously? Seriously.


- hfs


Shawna said...

I'm sure this might not be helpful to your emotions or your situation, but even though W was only in for 5 years I am still adjusting.

I'm always thinking of you guys! Hang in there. And yes, easier said than done, I know.

Homefront Six said...

Thanks :) I guess I should start talking to some of my friends whose husbands have retired and find out what has helped them through this.

My hope is that he can find a contractor's job that allows us to stay close to the military, if not IN it. My kids know no other life. And I don't really remember any other life.


Miss ya!

Curtis said...

Don't talk to them.

Talk to the ones that left at the end of their obligated service and walked away from the military life. Nobody I know that retired walked away and all of them still enjoys all the things that you know. They go back all the time. As I do. Heck, right now I'm staying at NTC San Diego BOQ wondering when the heck those giant clabbering parking slot hogging MINEWARCOM buildings showed up. My building is being bagged for termite death.
Stay and see.


Homefront Six said...

Curtis ~ good point. My thought was to talk to their spouses more than them. Several of our friends have done the retirement thing and I know it was tough for them (the spouses) to transition to civilian life.

Pogue had a good point (in an email) in that it might not be possible to stay "close" to the military if MacGyver gets out - even if we do wind up living near a base/post. And he's right. Which makes me even more sad. Grr.


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