Sometimes lunch is just lunch

A friend of mine invited me to lunch the other day, out of the blue.

It about triggered a panic attack.

This whole mess with MacGyver has really balled me up and I hadn't really realized it until my friend issued his lunch invitation. I know it's affected me in many ways...I just hadn't realized just how deeply. I hold my breath when I answer the phone. The first words out of my mouth when MacGyver gets home from work (after I scrutinize the way he exits his car, the way he walks up the walkway, the look on his face as he comes in the door) are "You ok?" or "What's up?". Not "Hi, honey!" or "I love you." I am constantly analyzing the looks on his face, the sounds he makes when reading an email or a text message. I eavesdrop on his end of the phone conversations - mainly to listen to the tone in his voice...in case it's more bad news.

I don't go in a certain gate on post because it takes me right past CID and I hyperventilate driving past. Lately, I've avoided going on post at all because it makes me tense up.

When a car pulls up in front of my house that I don't recognize, I panic. It takes every ounce of self-control to not slam the front door shut and draw the blinds.

The other day, I received a form in the mail from an agency conducting a background check on a friend. I started to hyperventilate until I opened it and realized it had nothing to do with MacGyver. It took me hours to relax.

And then my friend goes and invites me to lunch - rather spontaneously. And I questioned his motives...for no reason. He's military and my first thought was that this had something to do with MacGyver - even though they don't work together and have never actually met. A ridiculous thought but I thought it. And my stomach tightened up and my respiratory rate went through the roof.

I am a mess.

But sometimes, lunch is just lunch. And this WAS just lunch. And a good one at that. I'm hoping we can do it again sometime soon. And next time I can skip the panic attack.


- hfs


Lea said...

Its so strange. I don't remember writing this, in fact I don't even remember doing this! But I had to have written this...because its what I do a LOT. Sure different names, situations, reasons etc. etc.

Sometimes the hardest things in life are the simplest.

Let go.

At some point, probably daily like me you'll have to decide to let go...


scott said...

Sometimes it's hard to remember to breath.

FHL said...

Oh Girl....go to my facebook, pull up the video section, and peek at the oldest video on page 5. E's video. Our circumstances are light years difference, but the scriptures that pulled me through the year of not knowing if we lost him, are all in there. Let them speak to your heart and hopefully bring some comfort while you to, wait through these unknowns.

Sending a big sister in Christ hug!

Kate said...

L, I am still praying for some sort of magically smooth resolution to all this drama. You are holding up so well. Not much longer now...

Homefront Six said...

Hopefully in about another week we'll know more. Possibly even a final answer though I know better than to get my hopes up.

Maj Pain said...

For all that is holy, relax....perhaps you should start smoking Cgars...keeps me from drawing the Colt 45 I wear on my hip and blasting those cars that stop in front of my house :)

Homefront Six said...

Perhaps I should! Maybe I'll start at the next MilBlog conference. You should bring me one!

As for blasting cars that stop in front of my house, it's a good thing I don't have a conceal/carry permit.


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