I think I've painted myself into one.

This is not a whine...more of an observation. I realize I've done this to myself.

We knew, moving here, that our time here might be short. I think, deep down inside, both of us knew it would be. And leaving a duty station that you love - that has become home - is difficult, to say the least. Naturally I have resisted making friends here. Saying goodbye to my friends in Hawaii was brutal and the idea of having to do that again was not something I looked forward to. So I have pretty much become a hermit.

I've resisted making friends at every turn. I keep everyone aside from my own family at arm's length. It's easier to be lonely than it is to make friends, KNOWING that I'll have to say goodbye to them sooner rather than later. I do my best to avoid getting involved in many things because untangling myself from them when it's time to go is painful. I'm isolated and honestly, I like it that way. Because it hurts less.

But I am lonely. I miss having close friends a short walk or drive away. I miss knowing that, should I skip church, someone other than my husband will notice and call me out on it. I miss getting calls and texts from friends, asking to meet up for coffee or a hike. I miss all of that.

It's easy to isolate myself. Aside from my husband, there's really no one here to hold me accountable. No one to stop by. No one to drag me out of my hole. There are upsides to this hermit life (aside from the whole 'not getting hurt again' thing): school is going really well since there are very few distractions and reasons to play hooky; the house stays pretty tidy as I am home all the time and can keep up with it all; we eat more home-cooked meals since I am home to prep and cook most evenings.

But I find myself tired often; not physically but mentally. Having only oneself as company lends itself to a lot of navel-gazing and that not only becomes annoying but it is exhausting as well. So here I sit, a little lonely, a little tired...waiting. I'm waiting to move (temporarily) to a new house closer to town. I'm waiting to find out where we go next. I'm waiting to see if it will be a place to put down roots or yet another place where I feel it's not worth it to invest myself or make friends because we'll be leaving soon enough.

Maybe that's why the idea of going back to SoCal appeals to me on some level. It's familiar. It's where I grew up, though I don't really call it 'home' anymore. It's where many of my old friends are - friends that I know would welcome me back into the rhythm of their lives without missing a beat because that's what old friends DO; friends I wouldn't have to *make* because they already are. I know the town, I know the smells, the sights, the feel, the ins and outs...it's easy and it's safe. Easy and safe...two things that my heart really craves right now.

Because I feel like neither. I don't like this corner but, right now, I don't see a way out.


- hfs


FHL said...

Ah girl, sending a HUGE hug your way and totally understand. We are on our last 10-11 months here and as always towards the end there are more goodbyes then hellos...it's shut down time as it's easier to be the last to go then the first. I'm excited to see where the Lord leads you guys....you've praised him through all the ups and downs and I just know there are blessings coming your way. We love you guys!

Tracy S said...

Hugs being sent your way.

DL Sly said...

"I know the town, I know the smells, the sights, the feel, the ins and outs..."

Not to mention the locations of the In 'n Out Burgers.

Curtis said...

It seems like you just got there! I hope that you get what you want next.


Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for some time but have never commented until today. This post touched me, because I have done exactly what you have. We too left a place we loved and don't know what our future holds. I feel like I'm playing a waiting game. Even though I know I am not living my life in a way that honors the Lord by waiting for my life to begin again, I can't seem to muster the will to make a change. I just want you to know that although you may feel lonely, you are not alone in your feelings.


Tricia said...

I treated Hawaii much the same way. The last two moves had done me in emotionally and I couldn't bear to do it all again. But, like you, I missed the connections for many of the same reasons. I was determined not to do that this time. And, now, I'm knee-deep in a few tight friendships and the thought of having to say goodbye (more than a year away) makes me want to vomit. I have to fight the impulse not to withdraw. And fight the urge to NOT have to do this again next move.


Wrote this six years ago. Nothing's changed.  One of my favorite movies is 'Bull Durham'. And one of my favorite scenes in ...