I think I've painted myself into one.
This is not a whine...more of an observation. I realize I've done this to myself.
We knew, moving here, that our time here might be short. I think, deep down inside, both of us knew it would be. And leaving a duty station that you love - that has become home - is difficult, to say the least. Naturally I have resisted making friends here. Saying goodbye to my friends in Hawaii was brutal and the idea of having to do that again was not something I looked forward to. So I have pretty much become a hermit.
I've resisted making friends at every turn. I keep everyone aside from my own family at arm's length. It's easier to be lonely than it is to make friends, KNOWING that I'll have to say goodbye to them sooner rather than later. I do my best to avoid getting involved in many things because untangling myself from them when it's time to go is painful. I'm isolated and honestly, I like it that way. Because it hurts less.
But I am lonely. I miss having close friends a short walk or drive away. I miss knowing that, should I skip church, someone other than my husband will notice and call me out on it. I miss getting calls and texts from friends, asking to meet up for coffee or a hike. I miss all of that.
It's easy to isolate myself. Aside from my husband, there's really no one here to hold me accountable. No one to stop by. No one to drag me out of my hole. There are upsides to this hermit life (aside from the whole 'not getting hurt again' thing): school is going really well since there are very few distractions and reasons to play hooky; the house stays pretty tidy as I am home all the time and can keep up with it all; we eat more home-cooked meals since I am home to prep and cook most evenings.
But I find myself tired often; not physically but mentally. Having only oneself as company lends itself to a lot of navel-gazing and that not only becomes annoying but it is exhausting as well. So here I sit, a little lonely, a little tired...waiting. I'm waiting to move (temporarily) to a new house closer to town. I'm waiting to find out where we go next. I'm waiting to see if it will be a place to put down roots or yet another place where I feel it's not worth it to invest myself or make friends because we'll be leaving soon enough.
Maybe that's why the idea of going back to SoCal appeals to me on some level. It's familiar. It's where I grew up, though I don't really call it 'home' anymore. It's where many of my old friends are - friends that I know would welcome me back into the rhythm of their lives without missing a beat because that's what old friends DO; friends I wouldn't have to *make* because they already are. I know the town, I know the smells, the sights, the feel, the ins and outs...it's easy and it's safe. Easy and safe...two things that my heart really craves right now.
Because I feel like neither. I don't like this corner but, right now, I don't see a way out.
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