An Irish Airman Forsees His Death
I Know that I shall meet my fate
Somewhere among the clouds above;
Those that I fight I do not hate
Those that I guard I do not love,
My country is Kiltartan Cross,
My countrymen Kiltartan’s poor,
No likely end could bring them loss
Or leave them happier than before.
Nor law, nor duty bade me fight,
Nor public man, nor cheering crowds,
A lonely impulse of delight
Drove to this tumult in the clouds;
I balanced all, brought all to mind,
The years to come seemed waste of breath,
A waste of breath the years behind
In balance with this life, this death.
Quote Yeates to me and you've won my heart.
It's been 365 days since this world grew darker. My grief was overwhelming then and remains so to this day. I've just become better at hiding it. I don't talk about it much but the tears and heartache are always just below the surface. People will give lip service to the fact that there is no timetable for grief but the reality is that most people expect you to move on from the loss of a friend pretty quickly. So I do my best to compartmentalize it, put it in a pretty box on a shelf in my mind and only take it down when no one is around.
My grief stays private - no one needs to see my 'ugly cry'.
There are a lot of Lexicans getting together to commemorate this day and I think it's wonderful. But I can't. I just can't. Being around people in general on this day is hard enough. My sadness pulls me inward, onto myself. It's not something I can comfortably share with others. This is as close as I get to sharing.
There are days like today where I wish I enjoyed alcohol. I'd hoist a Guinness (for strength!) in honor of my friend. Instead, I'll take a drive, blast some Mumford on the stereo, mail a letter to Lex's wife, and maybe sift through some old emails and wrap myself in my friend's words of wisdom, because I miss those desperately.